I am once again in a position where I am questioning the worth-value of romantic (for want of a better word, but just so I’m clear) relationships. This is only the second time (‘once again’ sounds really bad), but it’s definitely two times too many for me. Let’s face it, committing yourself to loving someone that way is pretty much handing over a gun/knife/flamethrower/bomb detonation button/ grenade launcher (enter your weapon of choice) and saying, ‘Here, I’ve decided to give you the power to kill or at least maim me for life. Use it as you wish.’ Needless to say, we should be very careful who we choose to give this power to.
Usher in the right/wrong person debate. The easy counter-argument to the potentially life-threatening decision to love is “make sure you’re giving that power to the ‘right’ person”. This ‘right’ person being someone you trust I suppose. But how can you ‘make sure’? How straightforward is that? What if the right person becomes wrong? Or maybe you thought s/he was right but it turns out you were wrong? What if you’re the one who messed up? These things happen. I can testify. Do I have a witness?
So what happens when it feels like you’re dying inside?
The first time for me was actually pretty recent (trust me to have mind-numbing heartache twice within 6 months of each other, smh), just this past December. Horrible, horrible. I would love to share but too many identities to protect + it’s such a looong story. Bottom line: I concluded that it is serious craziness to give that power to anyone (God is doing just fine on His throne). For the first time in my life, I took up the cynical ‘better not to love than to love and lose’. And that is saying something, because I’ve always been on the optimist, idealist side of things.
After that, things started looking up. But not for long, it turned out.
The second time is where I’m at now, the past few weeks (again would love to dish the deets, but same reasons as above). It’s not as horrible, but I think that’s largely due to the fact that it’s a different me handling this (the Holy Spirit works wonders). Side note: heartache is possibly the worst ache there is. It’s not physical so you can’t take medicine to dull it, but that it’s not physical doesn’t make it hurt any less. And if you’re like me, it seems to take ages to ease up. And the thing is you can’t die of it (which is a good thing), so even when it feels like you’re at breaking point, there’s no release.
Anyway, what to do now? Old me would:
1) think about for hours, days sometimes;
2) carefully attempt to analyse all angles and points of views;
3) come up with my theory;
4) then fly to my computer, type out my logical argument and send it off to whom it concerned.
Right now, I’ve done 1, 2 and 3; and I have to say, it’s eating me up. I have to add that this is probably the worst, worst time for all this aggro because I’m in the midst of handing in my dissertation and it’s affecting work. But I’m skipping 4 this time. Well, in a manner anyway (since I’m at the computer now writing this 😀 ). Instead of 4 I’m doing something else- taking it to Jesus. And I recommend you do that instead of 1, 2, 3 and 4 really. It makes a huge difference, because if there’s one thing I can testify to it’s how the Holy Spirit can correct your perspective. Taking it to the Lover of your soul doesn’t mean you won’t do 1, 2, 3 or 4. It just means you’ll do them with an enlightened mind. And instead of reacting to the situation you’ll be giving an appropriate response.
It may seem like a lacklustre, tepid approach, but I can boldly say it switches things up. It’s definitely not a quick fix, and probably won’t work as fast as you’d like, but you’ll look back and smile. It’s hard, really hard; and I’m working on it, especially right now – the struggle is live, but I’m giving it to Jesus.
So, what do you do when your heart can’t take it anymore? Look to Jesus. 😉
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11: 28-29.
And here’s a song that has really helped me: